The sweater I still have

I need to get this off my chest. It's stupid, I know it is, but it eats at me. It's been, God, almost fifteen years. I cheated on David. Once. With his best friend, Mark.

David was... he was the best. Kind, funny, patient. Everything I didn't deserve. I was young, I was selfish, and Mark was... exciting. He was dangerous. He was everything David wasn't, and that's what made him attractive, I guess. The forbidden fruit thing, right?

It happened at a party. We'd all been drinking. Mark and I ended up outside, talking. One thing led to another, and... yeah. I don't even remember all of it. Just flashes. The guilt started almost immediately.

I never told David. I couldn't. It would have destroyed him. I knew it would. So I buried it. I became the perfect girlfriend. I tried to make it up to him in every way I could. I convinced myself that it didn't mean anything, that it was just a mistake. A drunken slip-up.

We broke up eventually, anyway. Not because of the cheating. We just grew apart. Different paths, different dreams. It was amicable, as amicable as breakups can be. We even stayed friends for a while. But the guilt always hung there, a heavy weight in my chest.

Mark and David stopped being friends not long after that party. I don’t know if it was because Mark confessed to David, or if David saw how differently they acted after that night. I don’t know if David suspected my involvement, but it’s been hard to live with. Now both of them don’t talk to me. I don’t even know where they are.

I still have a sweater that David gave me. A big, cozy, blue thing. I haven't worn it in years. It just sits in the back of my closet. Every time I see it, I feel the shame all over again.

I know it was a long time ago. I know I can't change what happened. I've tried to forgive myself, but it's hard. The guilt is like a stain that won't come out. David deserved better. He deserved the truth. And I was too cowardly to give it to him. I hope wherever he is, he’s happy, and that he has found someone who treats him right.

Maybe writing this down will help. Maybe it won't. But I needed to say it, even if it's just to a bunch of strangers on the internet.