I Still Think About Her

It's been… God, it's been almost ten years. Ten years since I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe to finally admit it to someone, even if it's just the internet. Maybe to see if putting it out there makes it hurt less. Probably not.

Her name was Emily. We met in college, freshman year. She was everything I wasn't: outgoing, smart, funny, actually cared about her classes. I was… well, I was a mess. Socially awkward, terrified of failing, and convinced I was never good enough for anyone, especially not someone like her. But she saw something in me. I still don't know what.

We dated for two years. Two of the happiest years of my life. We did stupid college stuff – late-night pizza runs, study sessions that turned into make-out sessions, pretending to be adults at parties. We also did real stuff – talked about our families, our fears, our dreams. She listened to me, really listened, even when I was being a self-pitying idiot. And she made me laugh. God, she made me laugh until my sides hurt.

Then came the summer before senior year. I got an internship in another state. It was a big deal, a chance to get my foot in the door. But it meant being away from Emily for three months. And I panicked. I convinced myself that long distance wouldn't work, that we were too young, that she'd find someone better while I was gone. So, like the coward I was, I broke up with her. Over the phone.

I told her it was because I didn't want to hold her back, that she deserved someone who could be there for her. It was bullshit, of course. I was just scared. Scared of getting hurt, scared of failing, scared of not being good enough.

She was heartbroken. I could hear it in her voice, even over the phone. I tried to tell myself I was doing the right thing, that it was better to end it now than to drag it out. But deep down, I knew I was making a mistake.

The internship sucked. I was miserable without her. I spent the whole summer regretting my decision, but I was too proud, too stubborn to admit I was wrong. When I got back to school in the fall, she was already seeing someone else.

I tried to talk to her, to apologize, to tell her I'd made a mistake. But she didn't want to hear it. And I don't blame her. I had hurt her, and I deserved whatever she threw at me.

She eventually married that guy. I saw pictures on Facebook. They looked happy. I hope she is. I really do.

I’ve dated other people since then. Some were nice, some were not. But none of them were Emily. And I know, deep down, that I'll never find anyone like her. I messed up. I lost her. And I have to live with that. I just… I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. Not that it would change anything. But maybe it would make me feel a little bit better. Maybe.

Anyway, thanks for listening, or reading, or whatever. I just needed to get that off my chest.