The lies I told my sister

Dear Sacred Posts,

I need to get this off my chest. I don't know who else to tell. My sister, Amy, she's always been... brighter than me. Not just smarter, but like her light shines brighter. She gets good grades, people always liked her more, and she just seemed to float through life while I always felt like I was dragging myself through mud. I know it sounds petty, but I've always been jealous of her. It's a nasty, ugly thing to admit, but it’s the truth.

When we were kids, it wasn't so bad. But as we got older, it got worse. In high school, she got a boyfriend, a really nice guy, and I was so jealous I could barely stand to be around them. I started spreading rumors about her, little things at first, like she was sleeping around, or that she was making fun of people behind their backs. Lies, all of them. I even started rumors about her boyfriend, saying he was cheating on her. I wanted to break them up. I hated how happy they were, and how miserable I felt.

Eventually, they did break up. I felt a twisted sense of satisfaction. I told myself it was because I was protecting her, that he wasn't good enough for her. But deep down, I knew it was because I was jealous and wanted to hurt her. I never told her it was me who started the rumors. I just played the concerned sister, offering her a shoulder to cry on, all the while knowing I was the one who caused her pain.

Years went by. We went to different colleges, moved to different cities. We still talked, but it wasn't the same. There was always something between us, a wall I built with my lies. She started dating again, and I found myself falling into the same patterns. Not as bad as before, but still, little digs, little comments, always trying to undermine her happiness.

Last year, Amy got really sick. Nothing life-threatening, but bad enough that she needed surgery and a long recovery. I went to visit her, to help out. Seeing her so vulnerable, so weak, it finally hit me. How awful I'd been to her, all those years. All the lies, all the jealousy, all the ways I'd tried to sabotage her happiness. It all came crashing down on me.

I wanted to tell her the truth, to confess everything. But I couldn't. I was too afraid of what she would think of me, of losing her completely. So I just stayed quiet, took care of her, and tried to be the sister she deserved.

She's better now, healthy again. And she's met someone new, a really wonderful guy. I actually like him, and I can see how happy he makes her. For the first time, I feel like I can be genuinely happy for her too. But the guilt is still there, gnawing at me. I know I need to tell her the truth, but I don't know how. I'm scared that if I do, I'll lose her forever. But I can't keep living with this lie hanging over my head.

I don't know what to do. I need guidance. Is it better to confess and risk losing her, or to keep quiet and live with the guilt?

Sincerely,
Anonymous