The lie I still can't shake

Okay, so I need to get this off my chest. It's been eating me up for years, and I don't know who else to tell. I can't tell my family, and my friends wouldn't understand. It's about something stupid I did when I was in college. It seems small, but the guilt just won't go away.

I was, like, 20. Living in the dorms. Freshman year. I was SO homesick. I missed my mom like crazy. She would call me every day. I know, that sounds pathetic, but it's true. And she’s the kindest, most generous person I know. Always putting others first. That's important to the story.

So, finals were coming up, and I was completely broke. I had, like, ten dollars left. My mom kept offering to send me money, but I kept saying no. I didn't want her to have to worry about me. She was always stressed about money anyway. She was a single mom. I didn't want to add to it.

Then, there was this textbook I really needed for my history final. It was one of those huge, expensive ones. Like, $200, easy. I went to the campus bookstore, and I saw it. I knew I couldn't afford it, but I also knew I needed it to pass the class. I looked around, and this is the awful part, the part that makes me feel like scum: I just… took it. I stuffed it in my backpack and walked out. No one saw me. It was so easy.

I used the book, I passed the final, and I got an A in the class. But every time I looked at that book, I felt sick. I kept it for a while, hidden under my bed. Eventually, I gave it away to someone at the end of the semester. But the guilt stayed with me.

The worst part is, I know my mom would have given me the money if I had just asked. She always did. And now I just feel like I betrayed her trust and her kindness. I think about what kind of example that set. It was a small thing, just one book, but it’s haunted me. I’ve tried to be a better person since then, I really have. I’ve tried to pay it forward, to be generous and kind to others. But this is like a shadow always hanging over me. I needed someone to know. Just to say it out loud, or write it down. I hope that makes sense.