The Dumbest Thing I Ever Did

Okay, here goes. I’m writing this because I need to tell someone, anyone, but I can’t tell anyone I actually know. The guilt is just…eating me alive. I’ve carried it around for too long.

It was…oh, man, it was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I was 22, just out of college, working my first ‘real’ job. It wasn’t glamorous, it was answering phones at an insurance company. But I was proud. I was paying my own bills, you know? Feeling like an adult.

There was this guy at work, Mark. He was a few years older, maybe 25 or 26. He was…cute. I mean, not movie-star handsome, but he had this kind of goofy charm. And he always made me laugh. He sat in the cubicle next to mine, and we’d spend hours talking about everything and nothing. Work, movies, our families, stupid stuff we did in high school.

I had a boyfriend at the time, David. He was…stable. Reliable. Good looking in a generic way. But…boring. We’d been together since senior year of college, and honestly, I think we were just comfortable. We weren’t really *in love* anymore. I knew that even then, deep down.

So, Mark and I, we started hanging out after work. Just as friends. Grabbing coffee, going to the movies. But it was obvious there was…something there. A spark. We both felt it, I think. We never talked about it, though. I was still with David. And Mark, well, I didn’t know if he even liked me like that. I was too scared to ask.

Then came the office Christmas party. You know how those things are. Everyone’s dressed up, drinking too much, acting silly. I had a little too much wine, and so did Mark. We were laughing and talking, and then…he kissed me.

It wasn’t some passionate, movie-style kiss. It was just…soft. Gentle. But it felt like electricity running through me. I kissed him back. And then we stopped. And just stared at each other, eyes wide, like we’d both just realized something huge.

I went home that night feeling completely messed up. I knew I had to break up with David. It wasn't fair to him. I did it the next day. He was hurt, confused. I told him I just wasn't happy anymore. I didn't mention Mark. I couldn't.

Here's the dumb thing: I never told Mark I broke up with David. I was so scared of rejection, of ruining our friendship, that I just…pretended it never happened. We kept hanging out, kept flirting, but I never said a word. I was living in this weird, limbo land of maybe-someday, but never actually making a move.

Then, a few weeks later, Mark told me he was moving. His family lived a few states away, and he was going back to help them with their business. He was leaving in two weeks.

I was devastated. But I still didn't say anything. I didn't tell him I'd broken up with David. I didn't tell him I had feelings for him. I just…smiled and said I'd miss him.

He left. And I never saw him again. I found him on Facebook a few years ago. He’s married, has kids. Looks happy. And I’m happy for him. Really, I am.

But God, I regret not telling him how I felt. I regret being so scared. I regret being so stupid. I wasted a chance at something real, something good, because I was too afraid to take a risk. That’s the guilt. The weight of knowing I screwed up, and there's nothing I can do to change it. It’s a lesson I’ll never forget. A dumb, stupid, painful lesson.

I just…I had to get that off my chest. Maybe someone will read this and learn from my mistake. Don’t be afraid. Tell people how you feel. Life’s too short to live with regrets.