I'm such a jealous friend

Okay, so I need to get this off my chest because it's eating me alive. I feel like the worst person in the world, and I don't know how to stop feeling this way. It's about my friend, Lisa. We've been friends since, like, forever. Elementary school. We've been through everything together – braces, bad haircuts, first crushes, heartbreaks, everything. I love her, I really do.

But I'm so incredibly jealous of her, and it's making me hate myself. She just... she has it all. She's always been naturally pretty. Effortlessly so. Like, she can roll out of bed, throw on a t-shirt, and still look amazing. Me? I need an hour and a ton of makeup to even look presentable. And it's not just looks. She's smart, but not in a try-hard way. She just *gets* things. She went to a good college, got a great job right after, and is now, like, thriving. I'm still stuck in the same dead-end job I've had since high school.

And now, the worst part, she's getting married. To this amazing guy, Mark. He's kind, funny, successful, everything you could want in a partner. They're perfect together, honestly. Everyone says so. And that's what kills me. I'm happy for her, I truly am. But inside, I'm just screaming. I want that. I want what she has. A loving partner, a successful career, the effortless beauty. I want it all, and I don't have any of it.

I know it's awful. I should be celebrating her happiness. I should be a good friend. But every time I see her, every time I hear about her wedding plans, every time I see her and Mark together, it's like a knife twisting in my gut. I feel so pathetic. Why can't I just be happy for her without feeling this crushing jealousy? I try to be supportive, I try to compliment her, I try to be a good bridesmaid, but inside I'm just seething. And the worst part is, I'm starting to resent her. Which is insane because she's done nothing wrong. She's just... living her best life. A life I desperately want.

I haven't told anyone about this. Not even my own family. I’m too ashamed. I’m afraid if I tell someone, they’ll think I’m a horrible person, and maybe I am. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't want to sabotage her happiness. But I don't know how much longer I can keep this bottled up inside. It's consuming me. I feel like I'm living a lie, pretending to be happy when I'm just drowning in envy. I need to find a way to deal with this, to be genuinely happy for Lisa without wanting her life. I don’t want to be this jealous, bitter person. I hate it. I just don't know how to change.