I'm So Jealous of Her

Okay, I need to get this off my chest because it's eating me alive. I'm so freaking jealous of my best friend, Sarah. There, I said it. It feels awful even typing it out, but it's true. We've been friends since kindergarten, practically sisters. We've always been there for each other through everything – bad haircuts, first crushes, college rejections, everything. But lately… I just can't stand being around her sometimes.

It's not that I don't love her. I do. She’s amazing. She's kind, funny, smart, and everyone loves her. Which is part of the problem, I guess. I feel like I'm always in her shadow. She just shines so brightly, and I'm… well, I'm just me. I work hard, but things always seem to come easier to her. She got the job she wanted right out of college, the perfect apartment downtown, and now… she's engaged.

To a really great guy, I have to admit. He’s nice, treats her well, and they seem genuinely happy. And I should be happy for her! I AM happy for her… or at least, I want to be. But all I feel is this burning jealousy in my gut. It makes me sick.

I’m still single, and I’ve been on so many terrible dates recently, it's not even funny. I feel like I'm always comparing myself to her, and I always come up short. It's exhausting. I hate feeling this way because I know it's not fair to her. She deserves all the good things she has. She's worked hard for them. But I can't help but feel like life has dealt me a bad hand. Like I'm always playing catch-up, and I’ll never get there.

I haven't told her any of this, of course. How could I? She'd be devastated. She thinks I'm her biggest supporter, and I want to be. But it's so hard when I'm secretly seething inside. I try to be happy for her, I really do. I smile, I congratulate her, I help her plan the wedding, but inside, I’m just screaming.

I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way. A terrible friend. A terrible human being, even. I just want to be happy for her without feeling like a complete failure in comparison. I don’t know what to do. I need to figure out how to deal with this jealousy before it ruins our friendship completely. I don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending everything is okay.

I feel so lost.