I'm so freaking jealous

Okay, I need to get this off my chest because it's eating me alive. My best friend, Sarah, she just got everything. Like, seriously, everything. She landed her dream job – the one I've been busting my ass for years to get – and she didn't even seem to try that hard. It just fell into her lap. And then, to top it off, Mark, the guy I've been secretly crushing on since forever, asked her out.

I know, I know, I should be happy for her. And part of me is. Like, a tiny, minuscule part that's buried under a mountain of green-eyed monster. But mostly, I just feel this burning resentment. It's awful, I know. I feel like such a terrible friend. I keep replaying every conversation, every interaction, trying to figure out what she has that I don't. Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not *something* enough?

We went out for drinks last night to celebrate her job, and I just sat there, forcing a smile, while inside I was screaming. She was glowing, telling me all about the amazing things she's going to do at the company, and all I could think was, "That should be me." And then Mark texted her, and she blushed, and I wanted to throw my drink in his face.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that I can't just be genuinely happy for her. I hate that my own insecurities are poisoning our friendship. I don't want to lose her, but I don't know how to stop feeling so damn jealous. I'm probably going to regret admitting this to the internet, but I needed to tell someone, even if it's a bunch of strangers. I just hope she never finds out.