I'm drowning in regret.

It's 3:17 AM. Again. I can't sleep. I haven't slept properly in months, maybe years. It's always her face I see when I close my eyes. Not the happy one, not the one smiling at me. It's the one from that last day. Red, puffy, full of tears. The one that haunts me.

Her name was Emily. We were… everything, I thought. High school sweethearts, the whole shebang. Everyone said we were perfect together. Maybe we were, I don't know anymore. I messed it up. I know that much.

It started small. Little lies. Saying I was working late when I was really out with friends. Texting other girls, just harmless flirting, or so I told myself. But it wasn't harmless, was it? It was a betrayal. A slow drip of poison into something beautiful.

Then there was Sarah. A coworker. Funny, smart, and… available. Emily and I were fighting more then. The spark was fading, or at least, that's what I told myself to justify it. Sarah made me feel good, made me feel… seen. One thing led to another, and I cheated. Just once, I swore. But once was enough.

The guilt ate me alive. I tried to hide it, but Emily wasn't stupid. She knew something was wrong. She asked me, begged me to tell her the truth. I lied. I looked her in the eyes and lied. God, I hate myself for that.

She found out anyway. Sarah, in a moment of… I don't even know, told her. I remember Emily's face. The color drained out of it. She didn't scream, didn't yell. She just looked at me, that heartbreaking, tear-filled look I can't escape, and said, 'I thought you loved me.' Then she walked out.

I tried to fix it. I called, I texted, I went to her house. Nothing. She wouldn't talk to me. Eventually, I gave up. Pathetic, right? I just… gave up.

She moved away a few months later. I heard she was doing well, happy. That's good, I guess. But it doesn't make the regret any easier to swallow. I ruined her trust. I broke her heart. And for what? A moment of selfishness? A fleeting feeling of validation?

I don't deserve forgiveness. Not from her, not from myself. I just… I needed to tell someone. Anyone. Maybe writing it down will help, even a little. Probably not. I'm just stuck here, drowning in the what-ifs and the should-haves. Every damn night.