I wish I'd been a better friend

Okay, here goes nothing. I don't usually do this kind of thing, writing out my feelings to... well, whoever reads this. But I saw this website and I thought, maybe getting this off my chest will help. Maybe.

It's about a friend. Her name was Lisa. We were best friends all through high school. Like, inseparable. We did everything together. Stupid stuff, mostly. Cruising around in my beat-up car, gossiping about boys, planning our futures, which back then felt so big and bright.

But then college happened. We went to different schools, hours away from each other. We promised we'd stay in touch, and for a little while, we did. We'd call each other every week, tell each other about our classes, our roommates, the parties. But then, slowly, the calls got less frequent. I got caught up in my own life, my own friends, my own problems. I started dating someone, and honestly, I was just… distracted.

Lisa tried, I know she did. She'd text me, call me, even came to visit once. But I was always busy, or tired, or just… not really present. I'd make excuses, say I'd call her back, and then I wouldn't. I was a shitty friend. There's no other way to put it.

Then one day, I got a call from her mom. Lisa had been in a car accident. She didn't make it.

That was… years ago. And I still think about it all the time. I still feel this crushing guilt. I missed her funeral. I couldn’t bring myself to face her family. I was too ashamed. I still am.

I know it's stupid. I know I can't change the past. But I wish I had been a better friend. I wish I had made more time for her. I wish I had told her how much she meant to me. I wish I had just… been there.

Now, I try to be a better friend to the people in my life. I try to be present, to listen, to make time. But it doesn't change what happened with Lisa. It doesn't bring her back. And I'll always regret that. I just hope, wherever she is, she knows I'm sorry. Really, truly sorry.