I wish I hadn't lied to my mom

Dear Sacred Posts,

I need to get this off my chest. It’s been eating me up inside for years, and I don’t know who else to tell. It’s about my mom. She passed away five years ago, and I still can’t forgive myself for something I did. It's all about lying to her, and I did it so many times, and I feel so bad about it.

When I was in college, I wasn’t the best student. Okay, I was a terrible student. I partied too much, skipped classes, and basically just coasted by. My mom always asked me how I was doing, and I always told her everything was fine, that I was getting good grades, that I loved my classes. It was all a lie. I was failing almost everything. I was miserable, but I didn’t want her to worry. She was so proud of me for going to college, and I didn’t want to disappoint her.

She worked so hard to pay for my tuition. She had two jobs, and she barely ever bought anything for herself. All her money went to me and my education. And what did I do with it? I wasted it. I squandered it on beer and pizza and late-night parties. I feel so guilty. I remember her calling me, so excited, and asking if I needed anything. I always said no, everything was great. I even lied about buying textbooks. I told her I had them all when I hadn't bought a single one, and I would just borrow them from friends to do the bare minimum in class. I would lie about going to the library to study, when instead, I was just going out with friends.

The worst part is, she was so proud of me. She would brag to her friends about how well I was doing in school. I would hear her on the phone sometimes, telling them about my ‘amazing’ grades and how I was going to be a doctor or a lawyer or something. It made me feel even worse, but I just kept lying. I didn’t know how to tell her the truth. I was too ashamed.

Then, one day, I got a letter from the university. It was a warning that I was in danger of being expelled. I hid it from her. I didn’t want her to see it. But she found it anyway. She was cleaning my room when I wasn’t there, and she saw it on my desk. When I got home, she was sitting in the living room, crying. She asked me why I had lied to her. I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there, feeling like the biggest piece of crap in the world. I tried to explain, tried to say I didn't want to disappoint her, but the words sounded hollow, even to me.

She didn’t yell or scream. She just looked at me with this sad, disappointed look in her eyes. It was worse than any yelling. She said she wasn’t mad, just sad. She said she wished I had told her the truth. Maybe she could have helped me, she told me, instead of letting me drown. She asked why I didn't trust her with my problems.

We talked for hours that night. I told her everything. I told her how miserable I was, how much I hated my classes, how I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life. She listened without judging. She hugged me and told me it was okay. She said she still loved me, no matter what.

I ended up dropping out of college a few months later. She supported my decision. She said it was more important for me to be happy than to get a degree. I started working, and eventually I found something I was actually good at. But I never forgot that night. I never forgot the look on her face when she found that letter. I still feel guilty about lying to her. I wish I had been honest with her from the beginning. I wish I had trusted her more.

I miss her so much. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry. I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate everything she did for me. I hope she knows, somehow. I hope she knows that I finally learned my lesson. I hope she can forgive me.

Sincerely,
Anonymous