I was so jealous of my sister

I need to get this off my chest. It's been eating me up for years, and I don't know who else to tell. It's about my sister, Emily. We're really close now, but when we were kids? I was a monster to her. Not physically, never that, but I was just…awful.

Emily was always the 'good' one. Straight As, teacher's pet, everyone loved her. And I was…not. I struggled in school, I was awkward, I dyed my hair weird colors and wore too much eyeliner. My parents tried to be fair, but Emily just made it so easy for them. She got good grades, she did her chores without complaining, she was just generally a pleasant person to be around.

I think I started being jealous when she got the lead in the school play in eighth grade. I'd been dreaming of that role for years. I'd practiced the songs, I knew the lines, I felt like I was born to play that part. But Emily? She just waltzed in, charmed everyone with her smile, and got it. And I was stuck in the chorus, in a ridiculous costume that made me look like a giant flower.

That's when the 'pranks' started. Little things, at first. Hiding her homework, 'accidentally' spilling juice on her new dress, spreading rumors about her at school. Nothing too serious, but enough to make her life a little miserable. I told myself it was just harmless fun, that she deserved it for being so perfect. But deep down, I knew I was being a terrible person.

The worst thing I did was when she had her first boyfriend, Mark. He was really sweet, and Emily was so happy. And I couldn't stand it. So I started flirting with him, subtly at first, then more openly. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was hurting her. But I couldn't stop myself. I needed to take something away from her, to prove that I could be just as desirable, just as lovable. Mark didn't really respond, thankfully, but Emily saw what I was doing. She confronted me about it, and I denied everything, of course. I called her paranoid and insecure, and I made her feel like she was crazy.

She eventually broke up with Mark, not because of me, but because they weren't really right for each other. But I still felt guilty. I knew I'd contributed to their unhappiness, even if just a little.

It wasn't until years later, when I was in therapy for completely unrelated issues, that I really started to understand how much damage I'd done. I realized that my jealousy wasn't about Emily, it was about my own insecurities. I felt like I wasn't good enough, and I tried to tear her down to make myself feel better. It was a horrible thing to do, and I'm ashamed of it.

I've never told her the full extent of what I did. I've apologized for being a bad sister, but I've never confessed the specific things I did out of jealousy. I'm afraid of what she'll think of me, of losing her trust. But I also know that I can't keep carrying this burden forever. I want to tell her the truth, to ask for her forgiveness. But I don't know how. I'm terrified that she'll never forgive me, and that our relationship will be ruined forever. But maybe, just maybe, if I'm honest with her, we can finally move past this and have a truly honest and loving relationship. It's worth the risk, isn't it? I think it is.