I was jealous of my sister

Okay, so here it is. I need to get this off my chest. I've been carrying it around for, like, twenty years. Maybe longer. It's about my sister, Amy. She's… well, she's always been the 'good' one. The pretty one. The smart one. Everything came easy to her. Teachers loved her. Guys loved her. Even my parents seemed to favor her, though they'd never admit it.

I know, I know, it sounds like the oldest cliché in the book. But it's true. I was always in her shadow. I tried to be different, to stand out, but it never worked. I was just… me. Messy, awkward, always saying the wrong thing.

When we were in high school, this guy, Jason, moved into the neighborhood. He was gorgeous. Every girl in school was drooling over him. And guess who he went for? Amy. Of course, he did. I pretended to be happy for her, but inside I was seething. I mean, REALLY seething. I wanted him to notice me, just once. But he never even saw me.

Here's where it gets bad. Amy and Jason started dating, and things were going great. They were all lovey-dovey, holding hands in the hallways, the whole nine yards. One day, Amy told me she was having doubts. She said Jason was pressuring her to go further than she was comfortable with. She was scared and didn't know what to do.

And instead of being a good sister, instead of supporting her, I… I told her to just break up with him. I made it sound like it was no big deal, like there were plenty of other fish in the sea. I even subtly hinted that he wasn't good enough for her. All because I was jealous. All because I wanted him for myself.

She took my advice. She broke up with Jason. And you know what? He didn't come running to me. He didn't suddenly realize that I was the one for him. He just moved on. And Amy was heartbroken.

I've never told her that I felt that way, that I basically sabotaged her relationship because I was a jealous, insecure idiot. She probably suspects it, but we've never talked about it. And now, twenty years later, she's married to some boring guy she met at work, and I'm still single. And I can't help but wonder if I messed things up for both of us. I feel so guilty all the time. I'm not sure how to fix it now.