I still think about her laugh

It's been… god, almost ten years now. Ten years since Sarah and I broke up. I was twenty-two, she was twenty-one. We were kids, basically. And I messed it all up.

I don't even know where to start. We were so in love. Like, stupid, movie-version love. We met in college, in a stupid Intro to Psych class. I spilled coffee all over her notes, and she just laughed. That laugh… it was like sunshine. It made you feel warm and good inside.

We were inseparable after that. We spent every waking moment together. Studying, going to parties (even though I hated them), just… being. She made me feel like I was worth something. Before Sarah, I was just… drifting. Aimless. She gave me a direction.

But then… I don't know. I got scared. I think that's what it was. Scared of how much I loved her, scared of the future, scared of… commitment, I guess. So, like an idiot, I started pulling away. Small things at first. Less time together. Not answering her calls right away. Making excuses.

Then I met someone else. It was a girl at work. Nothing like Sarah. She was… easy. No pressure. No expectations. And I let it happen. I cheated. I hate even writing the words. I cheated on Sarah.

It only lasted a few weeks, but the guilt… the guilt ate me alive. I knew I had to tell Sarah. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seeing the look on her face… the hurt, the betrayal… I'll never forget it.

She didn't scream, she didn't cry (not at first). She just looked at me, like she didn't even recognize me anymore. And then she said, "Get out."

I begged her to forgive me. I told her it was a mistake, that I was stupid, that I loved her. But it was too late. The trust was broken. And once that's gone…

We broke up. I tried to talk to her afterwards, but she wouldn't answer my calls. I saw her a few times on campus, but she just looked straight through me. Like I was a ghost.

I’ve moved on, in a way. I’ve had other relationships. I even got married (it didn’t last). But I still think about Sarah. I think about her laugh, about the way she used to look at me. I think about what could have been, if I hadn't been so stupid and scared.

I don't know why I'm writing this now, after all this time. Maybe it's because I saw someone the other day who reminded me of her. Maybe it's because I'm finally starting to understand the damage I caused. Maybe it's just because I need to say it out loud, even if it's only to strangers on the internet.

I’m so sorry, Sarah. I know it doesn’t mean much after all this time, but I truly am. I hope you’re happy. I hope you found someone who deserves you. And I hope, one day, you can forgive me. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.