I still feel guilty about the $20

Okay, so this is stupid. I know it's stupid. But I need to get it off my chest. It's been, like, fifteen years, and it still bugs me. I was in high school, working at this crappy fast food place. It was my first job, and I hated it. Grease, screaming customers, minimum wage… the whole deal.

One day, I was working the register. Things were busy, lunch rush. People were yelling orders, and I was trying to keep up. I remember this woman came up, ordered a bunch of stuff, paid with a twenty. I gave her the change, and she walked away. Then, I looked in the till, and there was another twenty staring back at me.

I panicked. I knew it wasn't mine. Someone must have dropped it, or maybe the woman had accidentally given me two. But my brain went straight to ‘I could really use that.’ I was saving up for a stupid concert ticket. My parents wouldn't give me the money, said it was a waste. So, there it was, twenty bucks, practically begging me to take it.

I looked around. No one was paying attention. My manager was in the back, yelling at someone. My coworkers were busy. So, I did it. I pocketed the twenty.

I felt awful immediately. Like, physically sick. I kept thinking about the person who lost it. What if they needed it? What if it was all the money they had for lunch? What if they were gonna buy something for their kid?

I spent the rest of my shift in a state of total anxiety. I kept expecting someone to notice, to call me out. But no one did. I went home, and I felt even worse. I had the twenty in my pocket, burning a hole.

I didn't even enjoy the concert. I kept thinking about the money. It ruined the whole night. It ruined the next few weeks, actually. I felt like a thief. Like a terrible person.

I know it’s just twenty dollars. It's not a huge crime. But it was a big deal to me then, and it's still a big deal to me now. I never told anyone. Not my parents, not my friends, not even the priest at confession. It’s just been sitting there, this little weight on my conscience, all these years.

I wish I could go back and do it differently. I wish I had asked if anyone lost any money. I wish I had given it to my manager. I wish I hadn’t been so selfish.

I don't know why I'm writing this now, after all this time. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, and I'm starting to think about the kind of person I want to be. And I don't want to be someone who steals twenty dollars and feels guilty about it for the rest of their life. I just… I needed to say it. I needed to admit it. Maybe someone out there will read this and think, 'Hey, I lost twenty bucks at a fast food place in 2008!' Okay, probably not. But at least I've said it out loud. Or, you know, typed it. I hope, somehow, writing it down will make me feel a little better. I still feel bad.