I should have said something

It's been years, maybe ten, maybe more, I honestly don't keep track. But every so often, like tonight, it hits me again, right in the chest. That time with Mark.

We were in college. Drunk. At Sarah's birthday party. Everyone was hooking up with everyone, or at least trying to. It was that kind of night. He cornered me in the kitchen, all goofy grin and too-close breath. He started saying things, about how he'd always liked me, how I was different than the other girls. I was flattered, I guess. I was also hammered.

Then he tried to kiss me. I didn't want to. Not really. I wasn't attracted to him like that, and I knew his girlfriend, Lisa. She was…nice. Quiet. She was also my lab partner. I should have pushed him away. I should have told him to stop. But I didn't. I froze. I let him kiss me. It wasn't a long kiss, maybe ten seconds. But it was enough.

He pulled away, grinning like an idiot, and I mumbled something about needing more beer and ran. I avoided him the rest of the night. I avoided Lisa for weeks. I never told her. I never told anyone. And they stayed together for another two years after that.

I know it wasn't technically cheating, not on my part. But it felt like it. It felt like I betrayed Lisa. I should have stopped it. I should have said something. I was a coward. And now, all these years later, I still feel guilty about it. Maybe I should reach out to her. Tell her. But what good would it do now? Would it make me feel better, or just make her feel worse? I honestly don't know. I just wish I had done things differently.