I should have been a better sister

I haven't talked to my sister, Maria, in almost two years. It's all my fault, and God, I hate myself for it.

She got married. To a guy, I never liked. Tony. He's… loud. Always has to be the center of attention. Thinks he's funnier than he is. But Maria loved him. Or, at least, she thought she did.

I didn't hide my feelings. I was awful. I told her she was making a mistake. That he wasn't good enough for her. That she deserved better. I said… I said a lot of things I regret. Cruel things. Things meant to hurt, I guess. Looking back, I was probably jealous. She was moving on, starting her own life, and I was still stuck in the same dead-end job, same tiny apartment, same lonely routine.

She tried to talk to me, to get me to see things her way. She wanted me to be happy for her. But I just kept pushing her away. I was so convinced I was right, that I was protecting her from some terrible fate. I was so self-righteous. I even refused to go to the wedding. Can you believe that? My own sister's wedding, and I skipped it. What kind of person does that?

After the wedding, she called. I didn't answer. She texted. I ignored her. Eventually, she stopped trying. And that’s on me. Every single bit of it. I let my own stupid insecurities ruin our relationship. I let my jealousy poison everything.

Now, I see pictures of her and Tony on Facebook. They look happy. Annoyingly happy. They bought a house. They have a dog. They're living the life I thought she shouldn't have with him. Maybe I was wrong about Tony. Maybe he does make her happy. Or maybe she's just really good at pretending.

I want to reach out. I want to apologize. I want to tell her how sorry I am for being such a terrible sister. But I'm scared. What if she doesn't want to hear it? What if she’s finally moved on and doesn’t want me back in her life? What if she tells me she hates me? I deserve it, honestly. I really do.

But the thought of never speaking to her again… it’s unbearable. I miss her laugh. I miss our late-night talks. I miss just having her there. We shared everything growing up. Now, there’s just this silence. A huge, gaping hole where our sisterhood used to be.

I don’t know what to do. Should I call? Should I write a letter? Should I just leave her alone and let her be happy without me? I'm so lost. Please, God, give me some guidance. I need to fix this. I need to try.

I hope one day she can forgive me. I really, really do.