I should have been a better friend

It's been eating me alive for years. I don't even know if Maya remembers, or if she's blocked me out completely, which honestly, she has every right to do. We were inseparable in high school. Two peas in a pod, the kind of friends who shared everything, even clothes (which, looking back, was probably gross, we both sweated a lot in marching band).

Then college happened. We both went away, different states. At first, we promised to visit, to call every week. We did, for a while. But slowly, things faded. I got caught up in my own life – parties, classes, a terrible boyfriend who I thought was The One. Maya was dealing with homesickness, a tough roommate, and classes that were way harder than she expected.

She needed me, and I wasn't there. I remember her calling, crying about failing a midterm. I remember thinking, 'Ugh, again with the drama?' Instead of being supportive, I gave her some lame advice about studying harder and basically told her to suck it up. I was so self-absorbed, so focused on my own little world, that I couldn't see she was drowning.

Then, the calls became less frequent. Eventually, they stopped. I told myself she was probably just busy, but deep down, I knew I'd messed up. I'd prioritized my own selfish desires over our friendship. I went home for Thanksgiving that year, fully intending to call her. I even drove by her house a couple of times, but chickened out each time. What was I going to say? 'Hey, sorry I was a shitty friend for the past few months, everything okay?'

After graduation, I found her on Facebook. She was married, had a kid. Looked happy. I considered sending her a message, but the guilt was overwhelming. It still is. What kind of friend lets a friendship die because they were too busy being selfish? A bad one, that's who. I know I can't undo the past. I can't rewind time and be the friend she deserved. But I can learn from it. I try to be a better friend to everyone in my life now. I listen, I'm there when they need me, and I try my best not to be so self-centered.

Maya, if you ever read this, I'm sorry. I was a terrible friend. I hope you're happy, and I hope you've found people who cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished. I think about you all the time, and I regret my actions every single day. Maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to actually reach out. But until then, this is all I can do.