I ruined my best friend's life, and I don't know how to fix it.

Okay, so I need to get this off my chest. It's been eating me alive for years, and I don't know who else to tell. My best friend, Liam, we've known each other since we were kids. We did everything together. We went to the same schools, played the same sports, even liked the same stupid bands. He was always the golden boy, though. Good looking, popular, naturally good at everything he tried. I was… not. I was always in his shadow, but I never really resented it. I loved him like a brother, and I was happy for his successes, even if they made me feel a little inadequate sometimes.

Then Sarah came along. She was new to our school in junior year, and she was beautiful. Smart, funny, and totally out of my league. Liam, of course, caught her eye immediately. They started dating, and it was like something out of a movie. They were perfect together. Everyone said so. And deep down, I knew it was true. But I wanted her. God, I wanted her so bad.

I don't know when the wanting turned into something else. Something darker. Maybe it was the years of being second best, maybe it was just pure jealousy, but I started actively trying to undermine their relationship. Small things at first. 'Accidentally' letting slip things Liam had told me in confidence. Making Sarah laugh at his expense. Seeding doubts in her mind about his commitment.

It escalated. I started lying. Making up stories about Liam flirting with other girls. Exaggerating his flaws. Playing the wounded friend, confiding in Sarah about how Liam didn't appreciate her enough. I knew what I was doing was wrong, horribly wrong, but I couldn't stop myself. It was like I was possessed. I told myself that if they broke up, I'd be there for her. I'd be the one to pick up the pieces. I'd finally get my chance.

And it worked. Slowly but surely, I drove a wedge between them. They started arguing more. Sarah became more withdrawn. She started spending more time with me, confiding in me about her problems with Liam. I lapped it up. I was getting what I wanted. I was winning. Or so I thought.

Eventually, they broke up. It was messy and painful, and I played the supportive friend to both of them. Liam was devastated. He couldn't understand what had happened. He was completely blindsided. And I just stood there, pretending to be his friend, while secretly reveling in my victory.

I waited a few weeks, then I made my move on Sarah. I told her how I felt, how I'd always felt. She was surprised, but she was also vulnerable. She was hurting and confused, and I was there to offer her comfort and a shoulder to cry on. She agreed to give me a chance.

We started dating. And it was… awful. The guilt was crushing me. Every time I looked at Sarah, I saw Liam's face. Every time she laughed at something I said, I wondered if she would have laughed harder if Liam had said it. I knew that our relationship was built on lies and manipulation, and it tainted everything. She noticed I was different, that I was withdrawn and quiet. She asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell her the truth. I couldn't bring myself to confess what I had done.

Things came to a head a few months later. Liam found out. I don't know how, but he did. Maybe someone told him, maybe he pieced it together himself. All I know is that one night, he showed up at my apartment, and he was furious. He confronted me about everything. He called me a liar, a manipulator, a snake. He said I had ruined his life and betrayed our friendship. And he was right. I didn't deny anything. I couldn't. I just stood there and took it.

He stormed out, and that was the last time I ever saw him. He moved away a few weeks later. I tried to contact him, to apologize, but he wouldn't answer my calls or respond to my emails. He cut me out of his life completely. And I don't blame him.

Sarah broke up with me shortly after. She said she couldn't be with someone who was capable of such cruelty. She said she felt used and betrayed, and she was right. I had used her. I had betrayed her. I had ruined her life too, in a way.

That was years ago. I've tried to move on, but I can't. The guilt is always there, gnawing at me. I think about Liam every day. I wonder where he is, what he's doing, if he's happy. I wonder if he'll ever forgive me. I doubt it. I don't deserve his forgiveness.

I've tried to make amends in other ways. I volunteer at a local charity. I try to be a better person. But it's not enough. Nothing I do can undo what I did. Nothing can bring back our friendship. Nothing can give Liam back the life I stole from him.

I don't know what to do. I'm trapped in this cycle of guilt and regret, and I can't see a way out. I've considered telling Sarah the truth, but I'm afraid of what it will do to her. I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. But keeping it bottled up inside is killing me.

Is there any way to fix this? Can I ever be forgiven? Is it even worth trying? I honestly don't know anymore. I just needed to tell someone. Anyone. Maybe just writing it down will help me feel a little less… rotten.