I ruined it all

I messed up big time. I don't even know where to start. It's been eating me alive for months, and I just need to get it out there, even if it's to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Maybe someone will understand, or maybe they'll just tell me I'm an idiot. Either way, here goes.

I cheated on my girlfriend, Sarah. We'd been together for almost five years. Five years! Everyone thought we were perfect. I thought we were perfect. We were talking about getting married, buying a house, the whole shebang. And then... I don't know what happened.

This woman, Emily, started working at my office. She was funny, smart, and… well, she was interested in me. I felt… seen, I guess. Sarah and I had fallen into this comfortable routine, and I started feeling like she didn't really *see* me anymore. Like she knew everything about me already, so there was nothing new to discover. Which is stupid, I know. That's what happens in long-term relationships. But I let myself believe it.

Emily and I started grabbing coffee together, then lunch. It was just talking, at first. Harmless, or so I thought. But then things started getting… flirty. I didn't stop it. I liked the attention. I liked feeling wanted. And then one night, after a company party, we went back to her place. I don't even remember all the details, just the shame and regret the next morning.

I told myself it was a one-time thing, a mistake. I could just forget about it and move on. But I couldn't. I felt guilty every time I looked at Sarah. Every time she talked about our future, I felt like I was lying to her. Eventually, I started pulling away. I became distant and irritable. She noticed, of course. She asked what was wrong, but I just said I was stressed at work.

Then one night, she found a text from Emily on my phone. It was over. She was devastated, heartbroken. And I deserved it. I tried to explain, to apologize, but the words just wouldn't come out right. I just kept making it worse. She kicked me out, and I haven't spoken to her since.

I lost everything. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my future. All because I was too stupid and selfish to appreciate what I had. Now, I'm alone, and I hate myself for what I did. I wish I could go back and change everything, but I can't. I just hope that one day, Sarah can forgive me, even if I can't forgive myself.