I messed up so bad

Okay, so, I need to get this off my chest because it's been eating me alive for, like, five years. I don't even know who reads this stuff, but maybe just writing it down will help. God, I hope so.

It's about my best friend, Liam. We’ve known each other since we were kids. Like, kindergarten kids. We were inseparable. We built forts in the woods, played video games until our eyes bled, shared all our secrets… or at least, I thought we did. He was always there for me. Through the awkward teenage years, through my parents' divorce, through my disastrous first heartbreak. He was just… solid. A rock. And I completely screwed him over.

It started in college. We went to the same school, thank God. I don't know what I would have done if we'd gone our separate ways. But college… it changes people, right? Or maybe it just reveals who they really are. I don't know. Anyway, there was this girl. Her name was Chloe. She was… everything I thought I wanted. Beautiful, smart, funny… and completely out of my league. Liam knew it too. He kept telling me, “Dude, just go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose.” He was always pushing me to be better, to take chances. Even when I was too scared to do it myself.

So I did. I asked her out. And she said yes. I couldn't believe it. I was on top of the world. And Liam, being Liam, was genuinely happy for me. He helped me plan dates, gave me advice on what to say, even picked out my clothes sometimes. He was invested. He wanted me to be happy. And I was. For a while.

But here's where I messed up. Chloe… she liked Liam. I didn’t see it at first. I was too caught up in my own little world, too busy trying to be the perfect boyfriend. But then I started noticing the way she looked at him when he wasn't looking. The way she always seemed to find a reason to touch his arm or laugh a little too hard at his jokes. And he… well, he was oblivious. Or maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was just too loyal to me to do anything about it. I don't know. That’s what makes this so hard. I never asked him. I never gave him a chance to explain.

Instead, I got jealous. Possessive. I started picking fights with Chloe, accusing her of things she hadn't done. I started avoiding Liam, making excuses not to hang out. I was turning into someone I didn't even recognize. And I knew, deep down, that I was ruining everything. But I couldn't stop myself. I was so afraid of losing Chloe, of losing what I thought was the perfect relationship, that I was willing to destroy my friendship with Liam to keep it.

Eventually, Chloe broke up with me. Said I was too insecure, too controlling. She wasn't wrong. And after she left, I was alone. Completely alone. I tried to talk to Liam, but he was distant. Cold. He said he needed space. That he was tired of being caught in the middle of my drama. And I couldn't blame him. I had put him in an impossible situation, and he had every right to be angry.

We drifted apart after that. We still saw each other around campus sometimes, but it wasn't the same. The easy camaraderie, the shared jokes, the unspoken understanding… it was all gone. Replaced by an awkward silence, a forced smile, and the heavy weight of unspoken resentment.

After college, we went our separate ways. I moved to a different city, got a job, started a new life. But I never forgot about Liam. I never stopped thinking about what I had done. How I had let my jealousy and insecurity ruin the most important friendship in my life. I tried to reach out a few times, but he never responded. I sent emails, left voicemails… nothing. He had completely cut me out of his life. And I deserved it.

It's been five years now. Five years of regret. Five years of wondering what could have been. Five years of knowing that I messed up so badly that I may have ruined any chance of repairing our friendship. I don't even know if he's happy. If he's found someone who appreciates him the way I didn't. If he ever thinks about me.

I know this is a long shot, but if you're out there, Liam… I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being a terrible friend. I'm sorry for letting my insecurities get the better of me. I'm sorry for hurting you. I hope, someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Even if we never speak again, I want you to know that I'll always regret what I did. You were the best friend a person could ask for, and I threw it all away.

I don't know what else to say. Writing this hasn't magically fixed everything, but it feels a little bit lighter, I guess. Maybe that's all I can ask for. I just hope that one day, I can make amends for the pain I caused.

And to anyone else reading this… don't be like me. Don't let jealousy and insecurity ruin your relationships. Appreciate the people in your life, and never take them for granted. Because you never know when it might be too late.