I Messed Up My Marriage

I don't even know where to start. I guess at the beginning, right? I've been married to Mark for 12 years. Twelve years! We met in college, that whole cliché thing. I really thought he was the one. And for a long time, he was. We built a life together, bought a house, got a dog, the whole nine yards. We even tried for kids, but it just didn't happen. That was hard, really hard on both of us. I think that's when things started to shift, maybe. We stopped talking as much, stopped going out, stopped… well, everything.

Then Sarah started at work. She was new, young, full of energy. Everything I felt like I wasn't anymore. We started having lunch together, then drinks after work. Just talking. But it was… nice. I felt seen, heard, like I mattered again. I know it's a stupid excuse, but that's what happened. One thing led to another, and I cheated on Mark. With Sarah. I hate myself for it.

It only happened a couple of times, but that doesn't make it okay. The guilt ate me alive. I couldn't look Mark in the eye. I was constantly on edge, waiting for him to find out. And then he did. I don't even know how, maybe he saw a text or something, I don't know. But he confronted me, and I just broke down. I told him everything.

He was… quiet. Just sat there, staring at me. Then he got up and left. He's been staying at his brother's ever since. He says he needs time to think. I don't blame him. I completely destroyed everything. I don't even know if he'll ever forgive me. I don't know if I deserve it. I love him. I really do. I just… I messed up so badly. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it *can* be fixed. I'm terrified of losing him, of losing everything we built together. I’m not even sure why I'm writing this. Maybe just to get it off my chest. Maybe someone out there has been through something similar and can offer some advice. Or maybe I just need to scream into the void. I just... I don't know what to do.