I Messed Up Big Time, Sarah

I need to get this off my chest, even if nobody reads it. It's eating me alive. My name is Mark, and I messed up with Sarah. Badly. It’s been three years, but the guilt is still a pit in my stomach.

We were together for five years. Five amazing years. She was everything I ever wanted: smart, funny, kind, beautiful. Everyone loved Sarah. And she loved me. Or, at least, she thought she did. I wish I could go back and erase everything.

The truth is, I started talking to someone else. Her name was Jessica. It started as just a friendship. Harmless flirting at work, you know? Complaining about Sarah, how she 'never understood' my long hours, how she 'nagged' me about leaving my socks on the floor. Stupid, petty stuff. Sarah worked so hard. She was a nurse and would often come home exhausted after twelve-hour shifts. I would just complain about having to sit in front of a computer all day.

Jessica listened. She laughed at my jokes. She seemed to 'get' me in a way Sarah didn't... or so I told myself. It was a lie, of course. Jessica was new and exciting. Sarah was...comfortable. And that's a terrible reason to throw away something real. I know that now.

It didn't take long for the flirting to turn into something more. Late-night texts, lunches together, and then... well, you know. I cheated on Sarah. More than once. I hid my phone, lied about where I was going, became a completely different person. I hated myself for it, even while I was doing it. But I couldn't stop.

The worst part is, Sarah knew something was wrong. She started asking questions. She looked at me with those hurt, confused eyes, and I just lied to her face. I told her she was imagining things, that I was just stressed with work. I made her feel like she was crazy. God, I’m so ashamed. She deserved so much better.

Eventually, she found out. A text message on my phone. I'll never forget the look on her face. The heartbreak. The disbelief. She didn't yell. She didn't scream. She just packed her things and left.

I tried to apologize. I begged her to take me back. I told her it was a mistake, that I loved her. But the damage was done. She couldn't forgive me. And I don't blame her. I wouldn't forgive myself.

I lost everything that day. My best friend. My future. My self-respect. I haven't seen Jessica since then either. Once Sarah found out, I quit my job, hoping to make a fresh start, but Jessica didn’t want anything to do with me after that. I was just someone to entertain her for a short period of time.

Sarah, if you're out there, I am so, so sorry. I know saying sorry doesn't fix anything. It doesn't undo the pain I caused you. But I need you to know that I think about you every single day. I regret what I did more than anything in the world. I hope, someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Even if you never want to see me again, I hope you find happiness. You deserve it. I just wish I could have been the one to give it to you.

I still feel guilty. I just needed to tell someone. Anyone.