I messed up big time, Liam

Okay, so I need to get this off my chest. It's eating me alive. Liam, if you ever read this, I am so, so sorry. We were kids, I know, but that doesn't make it okay. It was the summer after sophomore year, and everyone was hooking up with everyone. It felt like you had to be with someone or you were a loser.

You and I, we were just friends. Good friends. We'd known each other since, like, kindergarten. We’d tell each other everything. We even made a pact that we’d always be honest, even if it hurt. I remember sitting in your treehouse, carving our initials into the wood. L+A 4eva. I laugh thinking about it now, because ‘forever’ lasted about a month after that.

Sarah came along, and suddenly, all bets were off. She was…everything I wasn’t. Confident, pretty, popular. And she was into you. I saw the way you looked at her. I knew I didn’t stand a chance. But instead of being happy for you, instead of just stepping aside and letting you be happy, I got jealous. Really, horribly jealous.

She was telling everyone that she wanted to be with you, but that you were just too shy, so I lied. I told her you were talking crap about her. Stupid, mean girl crap. I made up a bunch of stuff. Said you thought she was annoying, that you were only pretending to like her to get closer to her hot friend, Jessica. I painted you as this total jerk.

It worked. She believed me. She confronted you, and you were so confused. I watched it all happen from across the cafeteria, feeling this twisted sense of…satisfaction? Relief? I don't know. Whatever it was, it was wrong. So wrong.

You guys never got together. You were hurt and confused, and Sarah moved on to someone else. And I just…kept my mouth shut. I let you think she was just fickle or that you’d misread the signals. I let you blame yourself.

I’ve carried this around for years, Liam. I see you sometimes when I'm back home, and I always chicken out of saying anything. We say hi, but it's awkward. I know you can feel it too. I know I ruined something. I robbed you of a chance at something good because I was too insecure and jealous to be happy for you. God, I was such a terrible person.

I don't know what I expect you to do with this. Maybe you'll hate me. Maybe you won't even remember. But I needed to say it. I needed you to know the truth. I'm sorry, Liam. I'm so, so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I’m trying to forgive myself, but it’s hard.