I Messed Up Big Time, Anna

Okay, Sacred Posts, here it goes. I need to get this off my chest before it eats me alive. It’s about Anna. Anna, who was my best friend since, like, kindergarten. We did everything together. Sleepovers every weekend, bad perms in middle school, first crushes, sneaking out to parties… everything. We were inseparable.

Then college happened. We went to different schools, both in state but still, hours apart. We promised we'd stay close, visit all the time, but you know how it is. Life gets in the way. I got caught up in my classes, the parties, the… well, let's just say I wasn’t the best version of myself back then.

Anna called, a lot at first. I'd answer, we'd chat for a bit, but I was always 'busy.' Studying, going out, whatever. Then the calls became less frequent, and eventually, just stopped. I told myself she was busy too, that everything was fine. I was a coward. I didn't want to admit that I was drifting away, that I was the one letting the friendship fade.

Then, two years after college, I heard she was getting married. Through Facebook. I wasn't even invited. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. All those years of friendship, gone. And it was my fault. Pure and simple.

I tried to call her then. Left a voicemail congratulating her, saying I was so happy for her. I even said I wanted to catch up. But she never called back. And I didn't push it. I was too ashamed.

It’s been five years since her wedding. Five years of wondering what would have happened if I'd just picked up the phone more, if I’d made the effort. Five years of regret gnawing at me.

I saw a picture of her family online recently. She looked so happy, surrounded by her husband and kids. And I felt a pang of something… not jealousy, exactly. More like a profound sadness for what I lost, for what *we* lost.

I know I can't go back and change things. I know I messed up. I just… I needed to say it somewhere, to admit it. Maybe this will help me finally start to forgive myself. Maybe. I really hope so. I miss her. I really do.