I Messed Up Big Time, and She Doesn't Know

Okay, so I need to get this off my chest. I don't know who to tell, and I can't tell anyone I actually know. It's eating me alive. I'm using a throwaway account because, well, you'll see. I'm hoping just writing it down will help. Maybe. Probably not.

I've been with my girlfriend, Sarah, for almost five years. Five years! That's a long time, right? We met in college, that whole cliche thing. I was a dumb freshman, she was a cool junior with bright pink hair and a nose ring. I was instantly smitten. Still am, to be honest. She's amazing. Smart, funny, kind... the whole package. Everyone who meets her loves her. And she loves me. Or at least, she *thinks* she does.

Here's the thing. About a year ago, I messed up. Badly. We were going through a rough patch. Work was stressful, we were arguing about stupid stuff, and the spark just wasn't there. I know, I know, that's life. Relationships have ups and downs. But instead of talking to her, instead of trying to fix things, I... I looked for attention somewhere else.

There was this girl at work, Emily. She was new, and she was… flirty. I don't know how else to describe it. She would laugh at my dumb jokes, ask me about my weekend, and just generally make me feel good about myself. It was stupid. I knew it was stupid even then. But I was vulnerable, and she was offering me something Sarah wasn't at the time: validation. So, I let it happen.

It started small. Harmless flirting, maybe a lingering touch on the arm. Then we started having lunch together. Then we started staying late at the office, 'working' on projects. And then... then we kissed. Just once. But it was enough. It was a huge mistake.

I felt like absolute garbage afterwards. The guilt was immediate and overwhelming. I couldn't even look at Sarah without feeling sick to my stomach. I knew I had to tell her, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid of losing her. I was afraid of what she would think of me. I was afraid of ruining everything we had built together.

So, I did the coward's thing. I pretended it never happened. I cut things off with Emily, which wasn't hard because I think she was just looking for a bit of fun and didn't actually care about me. I focused on Sarah, tried to be a better boyfriend. And things did get better. We started communicating more, spending more quality time together. The spark came back. We were happy again. Or so she thought.

I've been living with this guilt ever since. It's like a constant weight on my chest. I keep thinking about what would happen if she ever found out. Would she forgive me? Could she ever trust me again? I doubt it. I don't even know if I deserve her forgiveness.

Sometimes I think I should just tell her. Rip the band-aid off and face the consequences. But then I think about how happy we are now, how much we have to lose. We're talking about getting married, buying a house, starting a family. How can I risk all of that? How can I destroy her trust like that?

I know I'm a terrible person. I lied to the woman I love, and I'm still lying to her every single day. I don't deserve her. But I can't bring myself to tell her the truth. I'm trapped. Trapped by my own selfishness and cowardice.

I don't know what to do. Maybe writing this down will help me figure it out. Or maybe it will just make me feel even worse. I don't know. I just needed to tell someone. Anyone.

I'm so sorry, Sarah. I really am. You deserve so much better than me. I hope one day I can be the man you deserve, even if you never know the truth about what I did.

God, I feel like such a piece of crap. I should just tell her. But I can't. I just can't.