I Lied About Being Okay

I messed up. Badly. My grandma, she got really sick last year. Like, real sick. Cancer everywhere. Everyone knew it was coming, but it still hit us all like a truck. I was her favorite, you know? She always said I was her little firecracker. So, when she was in the hospital, everyone kept asking me how I was doing. 'Are you okay, honey? You look pale.' And every single time, I said 'Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired.'

But I wasn't fine. I was terrified. I was watching the strongest person I knew just… fade away. I was crying myself to sleep every night. I was snapping at my mom and my brother. I was eating junk food and skipping classes. I wasn't fine at all. I was a mess.

The worst part is, I think I lied because I didn't want to burden anyone else. Everyone was already so sad, and I didn't want to make it worse. But now I realize that by lying, I pushed everyone away. I didn't let them help me, and I didn't let myself grieve properly. She's gone now, and I still haven't really dealt with it. I'm still pretending to be okay, and it's eating me up inside. I don't know how to stop.