I let her down

I messed up. Big time. My sister, Emily, she always looked up to me. I was the older brother, supposed to be the strong one, the one who had it all figured out. But I didn't. I don't.

When Mom and Dad died – that sucked, obviously – but Emily was only 16. She needed someone, and I was all she had left. I was 22, just starting out in my own life, finally free. But 'free' suddenly felt like a dirty word. I should have stepped up. I should have put my life on hold. But I didn't.

I told myself I was doing the best I could. I got a bigger apartment so she could live with me. I made sure she had food and clothes and got to school. But that's all I did. I was always 'too busy' for her school plays, her soccer games. I never really listened when she talked about her friends, her crushes, her worries. I was always on my phone, always thinking about work, about my own stupid problems.

She’s 25 now, married, and living across the country. She seems happy, and I’m glad for her. But there’s this…distance. This wall between us that I built, brick by brick, with my neglect and my selfishness.

We talk on the phone sometimes, mostly holidays and birthdays. It's polite, but it's not real. It's not like how we used to be before Mom and Dad died. And I know it’s my fault. I let her down when she needed me most. I was so focused on my own grief, my own future, that I completely forgot about her. I feel so guilty all the time. I wish I could go back and do things differently. I wish I could be the brother she deserved.