I ghosted him. I still feel awful.

Okay, here goes nothing. I need to get this off my chest, and I don't know who else to tell. It's been eating me alive for… God, almost two years now. I ghosted a guy. His name was Ben. We went on like, five dates. Nothing serious, but he was… nice. Too nice, maybe? That sounds terrible, I know.

He was just… really into me. Like, complimenting me constantly, wanting to hang out every day. I'm not used to that. I'm used to guys playing it cool, acting like they don't care. Ben wasn't like that at all. He wore his heart on his sleeve. And honestly? It freaked me out.

I know that's my problem. I have issues with… intimacy, I guess. Commitment. Whatever you want to call it. But instead of being an adult and talking to him about it, I just… disappeared. One day I was texting him back, the next day, nothing. Blocked his number. Unfriended him on Facebook. Everything.

I know, I know. It's awful. I'm a terrible person. And the worst part is, I didn't even have a good reason. He didn't do anything wrong. He was just… too much for me to handle at the time. I was going through a lot. My grandma had just died, and work was insane, and I just… shut down. But that's not an excuse. It's a reason, maybe, but not an excuse.

I've thought about reaching out so many times. Just to apologize. To tell him I'm sorry for being such a coward. But what would that even accomplish? Would it make him feel better? Or would it just stir up old feelings and make things worse? I don't know. And honestly, I'm probably just afraid of facing him, of seeing the hurt in his eyes.

I hope he's doing okay. I hope he's found someone who appreciates him for who he is, someone who isn't afraid of his kindness and his honesty. I hope he's forgotten all about me. But I haven't forgotten about him. And I don't think I ever will. I'm truly sorry, Ben. I hope you can forgive me, someday, even if I don't deserve it.