I ghosted him and I can't stop thinking about it

Okay, so, I need to get this off my chest. I met this guy, Mark, online. We talked for like a month before meeting up, and honestly, he was great. Really funny, smart, and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. Our first date was…good. Not fireworks, but definitely enjoyable. We went for pizza and then walked around a park, talking about everything and nothing.

He texted me the next day saying he had a good time and asked if I wanted to go out again. And this is where I screwed up. Instead of just saying 'no thanks,' which would have been the normal, decent thing to do, I panicked. I don't know why. Maybe I was scared of hurting his feelings. Maybe I was just being a coward. But I just…didn't reply.

Days turned into a week, then two, and I completely ghosted him. I saw his texts, saw his calls, but I ignored them all. I even blocked him on social media because I couldn’t handle seeing his face. It was awful, I know.

And the thing is, I don't even have a good reason. There wasn't anything wrong with him. He didn't do anything creepy or weird. I just…wasn't feeling it. But that's not an excuse for being so incredibly rude and disrespectful. I should have just been honest. A simple 'I don't think we're a match' would have been so much better than leaving him hanging.

It's been six months now, and I still feel terrible about it. I think about him sometimes, wondering if he ever figured out why I disappeared. Wondering if he thinks I'm a terrible person. Which, let's be honest, I kind of am. I keep thinking about sending him a message, apologizing for being such a jerk. But the longer I wait, the harder it gets. What do I even say? 'Hey, remember me? I ghosted you for no reason. Sorry!' That's not going to make anything better. It might even make things worse.

I know I can’t take it back. I just hope he's doing okay and hasn't completely lost faith in humanity because of me. I wish I could go back and handle things differently. I wish I had been brave enough to be honest. Maybe writing this down will help me move on, or at least be a little less awful to people in the future. I hope he finds someone great, someone who actually deserves him and treats him with the respect he deserves. I really do.