I cheated on my taxes

Okay, Sacred Posts, here goes nothing. I need to get this off my chest. I cheated on my taxes. Not like, a little bit. Like, a lot. For years. I'm talking… well, I'm not going to say exactly how much, but enough that if the IRS ever actually looked at my returns, I'd be screwed. Completely and utterly screwed.

It started small. I was running my own little business – freelance graphic design. Nothing fancy, just enough to pay the bills. But things were tight. Really tight. One year, I just… I didn't report all my income. Just a few thousand dollars. I told myself I'd make it up next year. But next year came, and things were still tight, and it was easier to just… do it again. And again. And again. It became a habit. A terrible, awful, anxiety-inducing habit.

Every year, I'd spend weeks agonizing over the forms. Lying to myself, lying to the government. The guilt was eating me alive, but the fear of getting caught was even worse. I'd have nightmares about auditors knocking on my door, about losing everything. I tried to stop. I really did. I’d even start filling out the forms honestly. But then I'd look at the number at the bottom – the amount I owed – and my stomach would just clench up. It felt impossible. Like there was no way I could ever catch up.

I know it's wrong. I know I deserve to be punished. I see everyone complaining about taxes, but they are paying them. I have to sit there and think of myself as a complete hypocrite. And it’s not even about being greedy. It's about being scared. Scared of not being able to provide for my family, scared of losing my house, scared of being a failure.

What do I do? I feel like I'm living a lie. I can't talk to my wife about it. She'd be devastated. She thinks I'm this responsible, hardworking guy. I don't know if our relationship could survive this. Should I confess to the IRS? Hire a lawyer? Just keep living with this weight on my shoulders? I don't know. I'm desperate. I just needed to tell someone. Anyone.