I cheated. And I hate myself.

Okay, here goes nothing. I don't even know why I'm writing this, but I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't tell someone, even if it's just a bunch of strangers on the internet. I cheated on my boyfriend. His name is Mark. We've been together for three years, and honestly, he's the best guy I've ever met. He's kind, he's funny, he's patient... he's everything I'm not, apparently.

It happened last weekend. I went out with some friends from work. We went to this bar downtown, and I had way too much to drink. That's not an excuse, I know. I should have stopped. I *could* have stopped. But I didn't. There was this guy there, I don't even remember his name. He started talking to me, and I don't know, one thing led to another, and we ended up back at his place. I don't remember much of it, to be honest. Just flashes. The feeling of being sloppy drunk. Regret. Shame.

The next morning, I woke up in his bed, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Not just from the alcohol, but from the sheer disgust I felt for myself. I got dressed, I left without saying anything, and I've been a mess ever since. I haven't told Mark. I can't. How do you tell someone you love that you did something like that? How do you look them in the eye knowing that you betrayed them in the worst possible way?

I've been trying to act normal, but it's killing me. Every time Mark looks at me, every time he tells me he loves me, I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. I feel like I'm living a lie. He deserves to know the truth, but I'm so afraid of losing him. He's my best friend. He's my family. I can't imagine my life without him. But how can I expect him to stay with me after what I did? Who would stay with someone who is capable of that?

I keep replaying the night in my head, trying to figure out why I did it. Was I unhappy? Was I looking for something I wasn't getting from Mark? I don't think so. Mark and I are great. We have a good relationship. We communicate well. We have fun together. We support each other. So why? Why would I do something so stupid and selfish and destructive?

I think... I think maybe it was just the alcohol. And the attention. It felt good to be desired, even for a little while. It felt good to forget about my problems, to escape from reality. But it wasn't worth it. It was never worth it. A few hours of fleeting pleasure has now brought me to this constant state of torment.

I know I need to tell him. I know that's the right thing to do. But I'm so scared. I'm scared of the pain I'm going to cause him. I'm scared of the judgment. I'm scared of losing him. I'm scared of being alone. I'm a coward. I'm a terrible person.

I don't know what to do. I just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe writing it down will somehow make it easier to deal with. Maybe it will give me the courage to finally tell Mark the truth. Or maybe it will just make me feel even worse. I don't know.

I just... I really hate myself right now. I hate what I did. I hate the lies I'm telling. I hate the fact that I'm hurting someone I love so much. I just wish I could take it back. I wish I could go back to that bar and make a different choice. But I can't. All I can do now is face the consequences of my actions. And that's the scariest thing in the world.

Part of me wonders if I should just run away. Disappear. Start a new life somewhere where no one knows me or what I did. But that's not fair to Mark either. He deserves to know why I'm leaving. He deserves a chance to move on and find someone who will actually appreciate him. Someone who will never betray him the way I did. But I'm not strong enough to do that right now. I can't face his anger. I can't face his tears. I can't face the fact that I destroyed something so beautiful.

Maybe I am beyond redemption. Maybe I'm just destined to be unhappy and alone for the rest of my life. Maybe this is my karma. Maybe I deserve all the pain I'm feeling.

God, I don't even know what I believe anymore. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm lost. And I have no idea how to find my way back.

I am so sorry, Mark.